hanging in limbo...

it is frustrating to not know what is going to happen in the future and to have a brain that tends to think the worse normally. and it drives me crazy when people make announcements about having a conversation in the future instead of just waiting until the time comes to have the conversation. i am no saint...i make mistakes. but i am tired worrying about stuff, so i am not going to worry anymore. who knows...just be happy and do what you have to do. thats what i say.

sacrifice in relationships...
i give up things to be with you. you give up things to be with me. but you say you're not high maintenance...and i think i have made sacrifices to be with you. but you refute everything i say and am tired of debating and having the conversation. if you say i don't make any sacrifices for you, i don't then. i'll make sure i don't do more than what is required for us. someone told me that i show too much love and that i need to back off some. i'm not good at playing the stupid games that people play in relationships. in fact, i don't play the games because i suck at them. and i don't feel like dealing...



it amazes me how rude these kids are that i teach. it truly sucks my energy away and i left wondering what i am going to do. i have to bite my tongue, swallow my pride, restrain myself from lashing out. they do not care that i care. they are mean, heartless, manipulative, ignorant, blind, foolish, and aggravating people. here i am, in the trenches, in the front lines teaching a mass of students that are considered the 'bottom of the barrel'. it kind of looks like set up city to me, but i was in the same place last year with high school kids. i have to remember that the day still ends at 2:50pm each day and that i have a degree to obtain and a check to collect. i try try try. and get some yield...but mostly it doesn't look like anything is coming out of it. i have students tell me that i can't control my class, that they really don't like me and they haven't learned anything in the class since school started, that i am screwing up their xmas gifts, etc. and these are the same kids that are the problem in the class. even the few good kids are beginning to lose their strength...i am losing hope in that class...

i want God to show me myself and help me figure out what to do with a lot of stuff. when i look around, i see that my view of things isn't too far off from the norm...but when i talk to the one i'm in a relationship with it seems to be that way. i don't like feeling like i am wrong all the time! because i am not wrong all the time and that is untrue.