i woke this morning feeling lonely. all alone, in a small room, with no one to reach out to because nobody is to be found. so i lay in my bed and think...think about wanting to do something and go somewhere, but i don't want to get up. i don't feel like figuring out something to do. and i'm tired.

i don't like the smell of the bathroom, or the fact that it only has a small shower, with a huge gaping hole in the ceiling. i can't use the kitchen. my room gets no sunlight...it can be dark all the time if i allow it to. i am tired of all the trash in the front of this raggedy house that my room is in. our 'yard' is the dirtiest one on the block. and i don't like bushwick...it's dirty, the people here are dirty, it's ugly. i miss bedstuy. i miss the access, the blackness, the vibrancy, the brownstones. the laundromat around the corner from me charges $0.79/lb and that's ridiculous! and i had my clothes washed there once before and they can't even fold my clothes as good as the asians in bedstuy. it's the little things...

it is time for me to leave this place.

i don't know where i'm going to go and when. and speaking of those types of plans, i am beginning to wonder if it is possible for me to just start looking out for myself. should i just ignore the fact of trying to help my nephew? or do something to try and prevent my little sister for being placed in a group home? involving myself any further into either of these situations causes me to change my own plans. who knows.

i was talking to my friend andre to day and asked him if he ever got lonely living in nyc. he told me yes and that he still has his moments. but his advice was to embrace every feeling and never privilege one over the other. to just be. i don't have to try and figure it all out...just be patient and kind and do not resist.